The Bog People

So I started therapy last month. The idea is to fix me.

How, exactly, am I broken you ask? Well, I have trouble maintaining romantic relationships. My MO is always the same. Meet someone, fall in love, get comfortable, start to question my own worth, start to question her worth if she can be with someone as worthless as me, start to focus on what I perceive as weaknesses in her, break up. I've done it more than once; more than twice. I'm ashamed and saddened by it.

But I was never able to accept that I couldn't fix it myself. I always thought "I'll think long and hard about it, figure out my problem and find a better match next time."

My most recent bout with insanity was in May when I broke up with my amazing girlfriend of almost two years. I realized what a mistake it was pretty quickly, but I thought "She's away from me now and it's best if she keeps going." Months later, though, I missed her more not less. This was new. I felt like my heart still belonged to her, like it always would. I wanted to be worthy of her again. Most of all I didn't want to hurt her or anyone else ever again.

I didn't know if she would want me back, but I needed to be emotionally capable of being with her if she did. And even if she didn't want me any more I needed to be fixed in case I ever found someone else. So I sought help.

So far it's been interesting. Based on my family history my therapist must think I'm a likely candidate for a serial killer, heheh. I guess I never realized what an unhealthy bunch we were. Substance abuse, spousal abuse and child abuse are very popular pastimes in my family, it seems. I haven't really ever had any long-term stable relationships around me to serve as examples. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't blame any of who I am on other people. I'm my own man and my problems are my own as well. But my therapist thinks that the root of my problem lies there in my early childhood. It's funny that those strange early experiences which I always thought of as making me unique and kind of interesting, the experiences which gave me strength, also gave me my greatest weaknesses.

It kinda makes sense thinking about it now. I've no trouble giving credit to my family for shaping me in positive ways, so why do I have such difficulty blaming them for the negative shaping?

So I'm wading through my internal bog and loosening up the corpses buried there. I know I can't do it alone, but I finally feel like I can do it. With help from Miss Lady Ma'am (the therapist) and V (my former / future gf) of course.

Yep. Turns out that amazing girlfriend of almost two years still missed and loved me as much as I missed and loved her. It's a long process, but we're rebuilding us. And I intend to keep earning this second chance for the rest of my life.

So I'll keep you updated, nonexistant reader, as I move forward into a brighter future. Come along for the ride.

Peace,
Dunny